she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
