If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
