I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
