I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
