Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
