I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
