I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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