I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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