he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
