Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
