he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
