I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
