you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
