he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
