i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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