I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
