the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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