i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
