those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
