I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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