he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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