I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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