You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
