i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
