someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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