Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
