I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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