I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
