Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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