He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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