Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize