Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
