I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
