I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
