and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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