I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
