I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
