My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
