my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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