the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
