I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
