i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
