Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
