My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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