Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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