don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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