I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
