You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
