my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
