Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
