I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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