I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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