The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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