Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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