I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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